The Role of Trust and Forgiveness in Betrayal

Betrayal can only occur when there is trust, and the more the trust, the higher the emotional impact of the betrayal. Regaining the trust will be difficult, considering how fragile trust is. The betrayed individual could suddenly feel destabilized because of the intense emotional reaction of grief or loss. Now in order to protect themselves from more hurt, the individual would start building an emotional wall to prevent people from getting too close again. They may also intentionally sabotage relationships in order to have that sense of control over the relationship and to avoid the possibility of the relationship getting too serious, and getting hurt all over again.

Hiding behind an emotional wall can be a dangerous way to cope. Often, those who build these walls long for deep connections, yet the fear of betrayal or past hurts leads them to withdraw, ultimately isolating themselves from potential relationships. However, avoiding connections is not the answer. The true path forward lies in learning to rebuild trust and allowing vulnerability, despite the risk, in order to foster meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Rebuilding trust is a delicate process and takes time, effort and willingness from the individuals involved. The role of trust in betrayal is complex—while it may take time to restore, it’s essential for any meaningful reconnection to occur. Vulnerability is at the core of trust. Since trust comes along with transparency and vulnerability, open communication is key in rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust is a deliberate choice because trust restoration is not automatic. It may not also be achievable, depending on the level of betrayal. Therefore in some cases, even after forgiveness, the trust may be permanently damaged.

Forgiveness plays a crucial psychological role in healing after betrayal, offering a path to emotional resilience and psychological well-being. When a person is betrayed, feelings of anger, resentment, and sadness can dominate, impairing mental health and leading to prolonged stress and rumination. Forgiveness, however, involves letting go of these negative emotions, which can help individuals regain a sense of control, peace, and emotional balance. Research suggests that forgiveness fosters psychological healing by reducing the intensity of negative emotions and promoting positive social interactions. Luke 6:27-28 gives us a perspective on how to deal with betrayal and mistreatment: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” Jesus emphasizes forgiveness, even for those who betray or hurt us, teaching us not to seek revenge.

Forgiveness is rarely a one time event, but more of a process, and may also involve different stages. Ideally it would involve acknowledging the incident, understanding what has happened, and empathizing - which could be one of the most difficult things to do. Empathy does not mean to justify the betrayal but to understand the reason why the betrayer decided to do what they did, which ultimately helps us come to a decision and a place to forgive. This gradual process gives the individual time to process and understand what has happened.

Additionally, forgiveness has been linked to improved physical health, as it lowers blood pressure and reduces stress hormones. Psychologically, forgiveness is not about condoning betrayal, but rather about freeing oneself from the emotional burden it imposes, allowing for growth, reconciliation, or at least personal closure. Thus, forgiveness in the face of betrayal is not merely an altruistic act but a therapeutic tool that enables individuals to move forward and preserve their mental well-being.

Forgiveness can sometimes precede trust rebuilding, as individuals may forgive to release negative emotions but not yet trust the person who betrayed them. In some cases, trust may need to be gradually rebuilt before forgiveness can fully take place.

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References:

• Karremans, J. C., et al. (2003). Forgiving and forgetting in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(5), 890-902.
• Maltby, J., Day, L., & Barber, L. (2004). Forgiveness and mental health variables: Interpreting the relationship using an adaptational-continuum model of personality and coping. Personality and Individual Differences, 37(8), 1629–1641.
• Rempel, J. K., et al. (2001). Trust and forgiveness in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81(5), 994-1009.
• Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Routledge.