Skills to handle Conflicts

No one likes conflicts. It's something most of us try to run away from and steer clear from as much as we can, but it's also something that we cannot avoid from time to time. Conflict is when two or more things or people have opposite ideas, feelings, or goals that cause disagreement or tension. This can be harmful if it causes strains in a relationship. Therefore learning how to handle and resolve conflicts becomes important. Managing and handling conflicts aims at resolving them with outcomes that take into account the well being of everyone concerned, and to have the best possible outcome out of the situation.

Learning how to manage conflicts will lead to healthier relationships, promote critical thinking and communication skills, and bring about new ideas for solutions. Learning how to resolve conflicts also allows us to learn more about our own emotions and how to regulate them, since conflicts cause us to feel heavy emotions - fear, distrust, stress, hurt, hopelessness, and defensiveness, to name a few. Going through a period of conflict also affects us physically, causing a wide range of physical issues like headaches, increase in heart rate and blood pressure.

We see that a period of Conflict can cause chaos emotionally, psychologically and physically. Learning how to improve our skills can help us effectively navigate through conflicts.

Resolving Conflicts

When we view conflicts, as individuals, we may fall into different categories - Avoiders, Battlers, and Collaborators; as given by Alan Sillar et al, and Wrench et al, we may fall into any of these categories based on our response to conflict.

Avoiders may just simply deny the existence of the conflict by saying something like ‘no, I’m fine.’ They may also deny it with a justification to avoid the conflict by saying something like ‘it’s just been a long day, I’m fine’. Other common ways we may avoid confrontations and conflicts can be through:

• Topic avoidance - to not want to address the conflict,
• Topic shifting - shifting the interactions away from the conflict, which can sound like, ‘yes this is not good, but did you hear about the accident?’,
• Process focus - focusing on ‘appropriate’ procedures for handling conflict; which can look like - ‘I refuse to talk to you when you are angry’,
• Evasion - shifting the focus of the conflict on to something or someone else, which can look like - ‘that is not my problem, it’s his’, and
• Stalling - wanting to address the conflict at another time.

Battlers, as given by Alan Sillar et al, and Wrench et al, see every conflict as a war, be highly antagonistic towards the individual whom they are in conflict with, and they need to win regardless of what happens. Different ways how this can show up in a conflict are:

• Faulting - Where one verbally criticizes the other person involved in conflict. It may sound like - ‘ I cannot believe you are this stupid.’
• Rejection - Disagreeing with the person in an antagonistic way: ‘ this is such a dumb idea’.
• Hostile joking - Jokes during the arguments to attack the partner: ‘You’re useless and a waste of space.’
• Avoiding responsibility - Denying faults : ‘you’re the problem here, not me’.
• Blame - Inculpating the other person: ‘ it’s your fault this is happening’.
• Shouting - Delivering statements loudly and angrily: ‘YOU ARE SO ANNOYING’

Collaborators are individuals who try to find a collaboration between both parties; a solution that would satisfy everyone. This is something that is a 50-50 chance of happening since both parties must agree to collaborate on a working solution. The different strategies that individuals use are mostly well regulated - understanding the emotional as well as cognitive components, and are carried out in a calm, clear manner that helps bring about good communication. Sillars et al and Wrench et al, show us different strategies people in this category may use to bring about a collaboration.

• Qualification - Statements that properly describe the issue : ‘ I am upset because you forgot we were supposed to hang out together’.
• Disclosure - Statements that disclose the individual’s feelings and thoughts in a non-attacking and non-judgmental way : ‘ I get anxious when you don’t reply to my texts’.
• Empathy - Statements that show that one understands the emotions and feelings the other person is going through : ‘ I understand how hard this must be on you’
• Accepting responsibility - Statements that acknowledge one’s role in the conflict : ‘You’re right, I do tend to snap easily sometimes. I’ll work on it’.
• Initiating problem solving - Deciding to mutually agree to a solution : ‘Let’s look at what we can do to make this better’.

Another simple model to conflict resolution is the STLC model given by Ruth Anna Abigail and Dudley Cahn.

S - STOP : Taking time outs during conflicts are important. Sometimes we may enter a conflict before we are even ready to address the issue. It takes time to process and think of different ways to resolve the issue, which leads us to the next step..

T - THINK: Think about the conflict. What happened? Is this necessary? Can it be sorted without further escalations? What caused the conflict? This stage can be blended with the Collaborator state where we look into the different strategies that can be used to help resolve the problem.

L - LISTEN: We may not always be the best listeners, but listening is key in conflicts. At times, we may say that we are listening but in reality, we are trying to pick out the mistakes and selectively listen to what the other person is trying to say. If this happens, we may end up devaluing the other person entirely and miss the whole point of the discussion. Active listening and listening without judgement is what will help us understand the other person.

C- COMMUNICATE: If the first three steps are not done correctly, then we may not be able to communicate effectively with the person. As much as communication is very important, neglecting to stop, think and listen will not allow us to communicate well and this will hinder problem solving. It is also important to communicate things clearly and assertively without hurting the other person. This also means that we may have to be ready for the other person to get verbally aggressive, and learn how to manage the situation.

The Bible emphasizes peace, kindness, forgiveness, patience and reconciliation. We are called to model Christ in our way of living and this can be shown through how we deal with conflicts too. Ephesians 4:31-32: "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." This verse tells us to replace negative and hurtful emotions with kindness and forgiveness.

Colossians 3:12-14 urges the body of Christ to be compassionate and patience, with a strong emphasis on forgiveness, which leads to unity . "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Approaching conflict with Wisdom and Peace helps eliminate unnecessary hurt. James 1:19-20 encourages us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because a hot tempered person will stir up conflict (Proverbs 15:18).

Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

Key Conflict Management Skills

There are various skills that we can hone and use to improve our conflict management skills. Communication is key in resolving conflict. Avoiding hurtful language and communicating through clear, respectful thoughts can greatly reduce miscommunications and avoid escalation of the issue. It allows individuals to have discussions and open the path to reconciliation.

Empathy is the ability to understand and relate to another person’s perspective, feelings and thoughts. This helps us become more relatable, understanding and also be able to address things from the other person’s point of view.

Emotional intelligence helps in understanding and identifying our own and others’ feelings. It helps us take responsibility for our own emotions. This emotional processing helps us in our reasoning and also aids in cognitive abilities of effective decision making in highly emotional conversations, and also maintaining objectivity.

Maintaining optimism can help reduce negativity, promote problem solving and find better solutions, manage differences well, and can prevent further confrontations.

Being fully focused, paying attention, and using verbal and non-verbal techniques, helps in taking in all the details of the conversation, to properly understand their thoughts, and also showing the other person that you are actively listening to what they are saying. This helps in understanding the other person’s perspective better before responding or coming to a decision. Non-verbal techniques can look like nodding, maintaining eye contact, and maintaining a good body language that encourages the other person to speak.

Creative, practical solutions through brainstorming helps bring about solutions that both sides agree to and ultimately brings about the better change. It brings about collaborations and can also prevent the same or similar problems from coming up again.

Working together as a team to sort the conflict is essential. Equal inputs bring equal contributions to drive the conflict towards good, positive changes that will be agreed upon by both sides of the party.

Learning how to manage stress and remain calm is an important skill to master as it helps in keeping a clear and sound mind that will ultimately help in bringing about the solutions to the problems.

Mastery of conflict management skills not only prevents further conflicts and escalations but also helps in changing these conflicts into opportunities for mutual understanding and progressive. When we learn how to communicate clearly, tensions de-escalates and create an environment that encourages open and free communication where issues can be addressed constructively and fosters trust, cooperation and respect, which are important for building and strengthening relationships.

Effective conflict management becomes a powerful catalyst for personal learning and growth. It leads to openness and diverse perspectives, creative problem solving and enhances emotional intelligence. When the intention of conflicts shift to mutual agreements to solve the problem than competition - it deepens connection, reinforces common goals and strengthens relationships - which serves both the individual and the society at large. Romans 12:18: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

It encourages taking personal responsibility to maintain peace with others. It takes personal responsibility to maintain peace, and we can do so by seeking His Wisdom and Guidance, which He is sure to give. Humility and valuing others help prevent conflicts or resolve them peacefully.

The Bible is oriented towards fostering peace, showing forgiveness and addressing issues with humility. We are called to reconcile, avoid bitterness and cultivate love, to sustain relationships. Together with practical skills and Biblical Wisdom, we can effectively manage conflicts and build strong relationships.

(All information in this article is Public Domain)

References:

• APA Dictionary
• Chu, B., Marwaha, K., Ayers, D., & Sanvictores, T. (2024, May 7). Physiology, Stress Reaction.
• Wrench, J. S., Punyanunt-Carter, N. M., & Thweatt, K. S. (2023). Chapter 9: Conflict in Relationships. Milnepublishing.geneseo.edu, 9.
• Westmaas, L. (2022, August 22). 9.4 ABCs of Conflict.