Physical and Domestic Abuse

Physical abuse is when physical force is inflicted or used on the victim, with the intention, in most cases, to harm or injure the victim. Domestic abuse is when it occurs inside a family or domestic space, and it can occur at any age, relationship, or economic background. Generally women tend to be the victims of abuse, but men can and have also been victims of abuse.

The abuser would normally use shame, fear, guilt along with the physical force, to intimidate and control the victim so that they feel helpless and alone, and feel like they have no other place to go. Domestic abuse may start first as threats, and verbal assaults, which are then followed by violence. In certain situations, they may escalate in severity and intensity.

God detests violence. For it is written in Proverbs 6:16-19: "There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a person who stirs up conflict in the community." Psalm 11:5 also mentions, "The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion." Abuse is wrong in every sense of the term. Whether you are young or old, teenager or adult, man or woman, no one should have to go through an abusive relationship.

Signs of an abusive relationship:

• Do you feel afraid of your partner/or family member most of the time?
• Do you believe that you cannot do anything right for your partner/family member?
• Do you avoid doing things to anger your partner/family member?
• Do you feel helpless?
• Do you make excuses for their behavior?
• Do they limit your access to your phone, money, or internet?
• Do they tell you you are nothing without them?
• Do they keep you from meeting others and socializing?
• Do they force you to do things you don't want to do?
• Do they push, slap, hit or kick you?
• Do they damage property when they get angry?
• Do you feel threatened by your partner/family member?
• Do you have frequent injuries that you try to hide from others?
• Are you blamed for the abusive behavior of your partner/family member?
• Are you humiliated, criticized and put down by your partner/family member?
• Are you embarrassed to tell your friends or family regarding the situation?
• Are they extremely possessive and controlling over you?
• Have they threatened to kill themselves or leave if you leave or tell someone?

It’s still abuse when it seems minor in comparison to others you may have heard or seen, or when you may have gotten used to ‘things being a certain way’, and have given up your own right or choice.

The Cycle of Domestic Abuse:

There are 4 distinct stages in the cycle of domestic violence according Walker - tension building - in this stage the abuser begins to show signs of abuse towards the victim and they may increase in frequency and intensity. The abuser may abuse the victim as a coping mechanism for his/her own problems. This tension may cause anxiety to the abused and may try to do their best to make sure they don’t trigger the abuser, incident of violence - which comes into the picture after the tension from the previous stage breaks, are the abusive incidents. The abuses may range from physical violence, breaking things, intimidation, to name a few, and it may increase and escalate with every cycle, reconciliation - the abuser now may then feel fine with the tension gone from their end but it could be just the opposite for the victim. At this stage the abuser may show that they are sorry, and make promises that they will never do it again, and it may seem that they are genuine with their apology , calm - is the stage that follows from the reconciliation stage where the abuser’s behavior changes from being attentive and caring to making excuses for their actions. It is underlined with justifications and gaslighting, and would leave the abused confused. The cycle may then again start and the abuse may start again.

How to Get Out of Domestic Abuse:

Galatians 5:1: "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." It’s not so easy getting out of a relationship, especially if it has been a significant one. It’s even more difficult when you are put in a place where you have been controlled and threatened, where your partner/family member may have also threatened you when you had tried to leave or escape. The confusion and fear is real. Hoping that the partner/family member may change may also be what’s holding you back from leaving. You may even be conflicting between thoughts of needing to leave and wanting to stay. The main thing to prioritize is your safety.

You deserve to feel safe in a relationship, you deserve a happy and safe life, you deserve to be treated with respect, you are not responsible for the abuse and mistreatment that has been inflicted to you, and there are people waiting, willing and ready to help.

As you contemplate leaving an abusive relationship, it is important to remember that even in hopes that your abuser changes, it may not be so easy. They generally have deep psychological and emotional issues, and change would happen only if they are willing to take the responsibility to change and seek help for their behavior. Generally they may beg you to stay and promise to change, but most of the time it's just to make you stay and the abusive behaviors tend to start again once they’ve realized you’re not going to leave. It’s also very important to remember that the fear of the unknown as to what may happen to them when you leave, keeps you in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation.

The best thing to do is to reach out for help, through a trusted person, helplines or community centers. Having a trusted person or close family member you can call, or letting them know about the situation would greatly help if you need a place to stay, to escape or having them come over when things get bad. If you do decide to stay, build a strong support system to help you through. Protect your privacy in your phones and devices, and check the settings of your phone, check for cameras if there are any, and for tracking devices.

When you do plan on leaving the abuser, keeping yourself safe is important. Relocating to a safer place is important. Living with trusted people or family members can be extremely beneficial during this time. The trauma of the incidents may stay with you even after you leave, so it may be helpful to seek professional help, and to learn how to reconnect again with other people, and to prevent yourself from isolation. Give yourself some time to build strong, healthy relationships, and more importantly. Giving yourself the time to heal. Anchor in God, as it says in Psalms 23:3, ‘He refreshes and restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake’.

If you know of someone going through abuse, please voice out and help them, rather than waiting for them to come for help. Proverbs 31: 8-9 says, ‘speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 12:26 ‘And if one member suffers, all members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it’. So, it's equally important for others to help those who are going through abuse, as it says in Philippians 2:4, ‘let each of you look out not only for his own interest, but also for the interests of others’.

References:

• Safety, C. F. H. &. (n.d.). The separation cycle | The Separation Cycle | Domestic Violence | Learn more | Center for Hope & Safety.
• Safety, C. F. H. &. (n.d.-a). How survivors cope | How Survivors cope | Domestic Violence | Learn more | Center for Hope & Safety.
• Mandriota, Morgan. “How to Stop Going back to an Abusive Relationship.” Psych Central, 3 Mar. 2018,
• United Nations. (n.d.). What is domestic abuse? | United Nations.
• Walker LE. (2009). The battered woman syndrome. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company, LLC.