I regret my decisions

What is regret?

Regret is the feeling of disappointment, loss or sadness for something that was done or not done due to a belief that it could’ve occurred if some other action or inaction could have been taken by the person. It involves a mix of deep cognitive and emotional understanding that something that was disadvantageous to the individual has occurred and a strong belief that it could have been deflected or changed into something more advantageous if the individual just acted differently.

So, when experiencing regret, there is an undesirable outcome that has taken place which is then paired with a self-reliant belief that change could have been possible based on one's own actions which then evokes negative feelings towards the earlier outcome. A reality mixed with an imagination arising from the newly gained information of the reality which then gives birth to negative emotions towards the occurred reality. You cannot experience regret before an event happens. A counterfactual experience.

There can be 2 kinds of regrets, inaction and action regrets.

Inaction regrets are ones where you regret the lack of action. The regret is the missing of action which led to the loss of an advantageous opportunity. Statements said by a person experiencing inaction regret can include, “I wish I had just said that”, “If only I had done that”, etc.

Action regrets are the regrets that one gets due to an action they took. The regret is feeling bad and wondering about if that disadvantageous outcome could have been prevented if they just didn’t do that action. Statements said by a person experiencing action regret can include, “If only I had said nothing at all in that moment”, “I really wish I hadn’t done that”, etc.

When an area has a longer lasting possible impact, the higher the regret with regards to that area. Career choice related regrets could exist longer and hurt more than a regret related to a decision on where to go for the weekend.

Why does one experience it?

There is a survival mechanism within humans called the negativity bias which remembers the negative experiences, emotions and/or mistakes in order to protect the person from doing that thing again and experiencing the same negative things. Such as touching a hot object as a child for the first time, while the reflex of the child is what made the child automatically remove their hand, the negativity bias is what prevents the child from voluntarily touching a hot object. It is a protective mechanism that was intentionally placed within humans.

This same mechanism, with a certain level of discernment, is what helps people have certain standards and boundaries in relationships, after being hurt before.

This negativity bias can also become a problem when not careful, it can leave the person focusing only on the negative things and hurting relationships, avoiding opportunities, stunting individual growth. More about the negativity bias can be read under the insecurities section of the resources. This negativity bias mechanism also works in the form of regrets.

What happens when one experiences regret?

In the case of inaction regrets, a person feels that their lack of action has led to a disadvantageous outcome. They might keep ruminating on how they could’ve done something, anything at all. They keep spending their time and energy imagining different scenarios for what could’ve taken place for each different thing they could’ve done. There could have been many other possible outcomes. This type of regret usually tends to be harder to overcome as the pain occurs due to the missing of so many possible outcomes. This could lead to the person taking up any other similar opportunity without thinking the outcomes through, because they would like to not experience the negative feelings again.

In the case of action regrets, the person, in their distorted belief, is the reason for the disadvantageous outcome. They spend more time blaming themself than ruminating over the situation. The pain occurs due to the blame placed upon them by their own minds and the outcome that happened. This type of regret could lead to the person ignoring the good that occurred from their action and/or avoiding even good opportunities in the future due to the fear of experiencing another similar experience.

Over time and over various experiences, these responses of regret become what is automatic to the brain. This is when something meant for good, becomes something that needs to be worked on with intentionality to keep being good. If it isn’t consciously worked on, it can become dysfunctional.

What is a dysfunctional regret system?

In general, with regrets, there’s phases for the experience of regret.

• Denial: Starting from denial of the event where the person might not even believe that the event and action/inaction happened. The person might even wish for the bad thing to go away.
• Alienation of the action from themself: The person might not believe that they are the ones who participated in the event. They might believe that it occurred due to being out of one’s mind and it must’ve been why they acted a specific way.
• The desire for punishment: The person might want there to be certain consequences they need to experience because they made that action or allowed that inaction. Feelings of shame, guilt, self-anger, etc. are experienced in this phase.
• Rumination of the event and their responsibility: The person might keep pondering upon and focusing on what happened, what could’ve turned out different, what are they responsible for and what it cost them, etc. again and again. The rumination is usually where the hurtful feelings like feelings of self-hatred, self-blame, disappointment, etc. tend to weigh on a person. This is also where, in a functional regret system, the person builds up to accept the event.
• Acceptance of the event: They come to the acceptance that the event happened, that they did what they could with their knowledge at the time, and that it can’t be changed. Slight negative feelings might persist in this phase.
• Learning and adjusting from the experience: In a functional regret system, the person arrives at the final stage of regret for a particular situation, learning from the experience of what had happened and then will adjust their perceptions of situations and will use this newly gained knowledge to make future decisions on action/inactions.

But, in a dysfunctional regret system, there is a cycling of desire for punishment and rumination. The person believes they deserve a punishment experiencing a build up of negative emotions, and then ruminate on the experience which increases their negative emotions, thinking again that they deserve punishment making their negative emotions worse and then ruminate on the event and due to the build up of existing negative emotions, they tend to take on more blame than earlier, producing even more negative emotions and view of themself.

This cycle, or downward spiral of negative emotions, is what is considered a dysfunctional regret system.

What are the consequences of a dysfunctional regret system?

• Lowered self-esteem and self-worth
• Comparison and self-blame
• Avoidance of any risk or increased impulsive decision making
• Social withdrawal
• Lowered immunity
• Fatigue and body aches
• Depression and hopelessness
• Anxiety and overthinking
• Chronic stress and increased body inflammation
• Increased risk for cardiovascular issues
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits
• Could also cause emotional disturbances

References:

• Carroll, J. (2025, March 5). The science of regret. Medium.
• Regret (psychology) | Research Starters | EBSCO Research. (n.d.). EBSCO.
• The Psychology of Regret | James Tobin Ph.D. (n.d.).