How do I deal with regret?

In the previous section we have seen what regret is, why we experience it, what a dysfunctional regret system is and have seen some consequences of regrets from a dysfunctional system.

We realised that the regret system is a system set up within human beings with the intention of helping the human being with learning, adaptation, careful decision making and protection through self-preservation. It even helps a person identify what it is that they value.

But, this perfect system placed in humans with intentionality can become dysfunctional and cause a lot of issues to the person due to various possible reasons. Some common causes of a dysfunctional regret system include the following:

• Perfectionism: If a person already has a deep set habit of perfectionism, their decision making abilities might be distorted and their regret system can become dysfunctional.
• Too many choices: When a person keeps having to make choices but there are way too many choices, it can cause a person’s regret system to dysfunction due to the variety of other possibilities.
• Childhood experiences: When a person has had childhood which has made them question their worth and choices, the trustworthiness of people, or even experienced pain/heartbreak due to their choices during their formative years, they could end up developing a dysfunctional regret system.
• Fear of judgement and people pleasing: When a person values people and their approval, they become used to placing their own needs below the expectations of others. When this happens, they end up making decisions more for other people than for themself. This regular habit could end up dysfunctioning a person’s regret system.
• Social media: Due to the social media boom that has occurred, people are constantly exposed to comparison, a variety of choices, actions, and also the lives of so many people which can evoke feelings of regret. Due to the continual exposure, the person could get used to experiencing those emotions and their regret system could end up dysfunctioning.
• Mental health conditions: If a person has any mental health condition, it becomes difficult to try to make decisions and they have a higher chance of their regret system dysfunctioning.
• Trauma: When a person experiences trauma, it is messes with their perception of what is good and what is not, consequences of actions, how much they trust themself to make decisions, how much they trust/value themself, etc. which can lead to them making decisions which could hurt them and then experience regret. The depth of the experience and the regrets following the traumatic experience could dysfunction their regret system.
• Life situation: When there are other factors or people who are dependent on the person and are deeply affected by the choices, the weight of their role could lead to a person’s regret system dysfunctioning.

So, how does one deal with regret?

• You start by acknowledging what has already happened: Regret keeps you focused on what could’ve happened. But, these are the times when you have to recall and acknowledge what truly happened. Avoid the what ifs as much as you can. Anytime they come, tell yourself “But this is what happened and that is what I will focus on.” (Psalm 32:5 ‘I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.’)
• Shifting your perspective: Allow yourself to feel the regret but start looking at the situation more growth and reality based instead of hypothetical outcome based helps overcome regrets. Instead of looking at what could’ve been, noticing what you can learn from the experience, whether this was really the best choice with the knowledge you had and if there was any good that came from that decision. (Philippians 3:13-14: "Brothers, I, not I, consider myself to have attained; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus".)
• Mindfulness: Whenever these regret-filled thoughts or regret-like thoughts try to enter your mind and take up space, it is best to focus on the present moment through mindfulness techniques. These can include deep breathing techniques, grounding exercises, engaging your senses, etc. You can always try out a few different mindfulness techniques and stick to the ones most helpful to you. (Isaiah 43:18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; will you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland".)
• Forgive yourself: Learning to forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Regrets can make one very harsh towards themself. Forgiving yourself for the missteps or the missed steps helps you move forward. (1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness".)
• Self-compassion: Realise your self-worth apart from your actions. There is a value placed on you that is not determined by your actions. It has been placed on you simply because of love. Love of God, love of people. It can be hard, but learn to look at yourself from that perspective. (John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.)
• Focus on growth: If growth looks like asking forgiveness from the people you might’ve hurt, or like changing courses in college, or starting a new business, slowly but surely making that decision to overcome what the regret that keeps showing up is about. Sometimes, growth can look like pushing aside regret and focusing on the future with what you already have but with new learnings to keep trying to be your ideal self. It can look different, but it is needed to do something or move past that regret instead of letting it hurt your livelihood. (2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!".)
• Seek help: If thoughts and patterns of regret and related issues keep overtaking your mind and prevent you from living a fulfilling life, it might be time to seek professional help. (Proverbs 11:14: "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety".)

It’s not the end of the road, everyday is an opportunity to learn from what has already passed, so if regret is hurting you instead of helping you, there is help available.

References:

• How Regrets can help you make Better decisions. (n.d.). Greater Good.
• Kecmanovic, J. (2025, May 28). How to deal with regret. Psyche.
• Kirrileet. (2020, June 17). How to deal with feelings of regret. Teen Breathe.
• MSEd, K. C. (2025, November 3). How to cope with regret. Verywell Mind.
• Penberthy, J. K. (2022, January 7). Regret can be All-Consuming; a psychologist explains how to overcome it. UVA Today.
• Rose, H. (2021, September 13). The psychology of regret: how inaction affects our sense of self. Ness Labs.